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26 April 2012 @ 09:46 am
Fic: Dr. Snix: Love Psychologist  
Title: Dr. Snix: Love Psychologist
Rating: PG-13 for language and slight nudity
Word Count: 1200
Pairings/Characters: Kurt/Blaine, Santana
Spoilers: 3x17
Summary: Santana goes to check on the boys.

A reaction fic to 3x17. It follows along with my Klaintana spooning 'verse, the rest of which can be found here.

That episode nearly killed me and the only way I could possibly deal with it was to write something foolish like this, so here it is. It's been ages since I wrote one of these – I've been too preoccupied with my GKM fill, which I will likely start posting here soon. Being anon is boring me. I miss you guys! <3

Afterglow basking should not be interrupted by squeaky running shoes and crossed arms and scrunched up noses.

“It smells like sex in here.”

Blaine's eyes widen as he stares up at her looming above them. “Um... because we just had sex?”

Kurt twists around in Blaine's arms and glares at her. “Santana, how did you even get in here?”

“Chill, Elizabeth Taylor. I just used the key hidden under the watering can in the garage.”

“How did you even know –”

“Er... that was my fault,” Blaine says, sheepish. “She was with me once when I used it.”

“E'erbody knows about it now.” She smacks Kurt on his sheet-covered hip. “Budge up.”

“What? No! Absolutely not. It's really not the time for that.”

Santana rolls her eyes. “Why not? Because you're covered in drying sweat and come and wearing nothing but a flimsy sheet? I don'ts care. I came here to help the two of you. Because I loves ya. Now move your naughty little ass.”

“Help us with what? Being traumatized and put off sex for life?” Kurt snaps, smacking Santana's hand off his thigh where she has been making swirling patterns with her fingertips.

“With your relationship problems, duh! Blainers over there sang a bitchy song about you fucking some other dude –”

“I did not and I would never do that!”

“And,” she continues, giving Kurt a stern look which clearly states that she does not appreciate being interrupted. “Ilsa Lund over here went for sappy and I will always love yous. And Blainers got teary and stared off into space and hugged himself. But does any of that 'singing your feelings' shit Schue is always going on about ever work? Hells no. What's important here is that you talk that shit out so it doesn't fester and you end up doing stupid crap like making out with Puck or Mr. Kidney the janitor to deal with all that internalized resentment.”

“Er...” Blaine says, pulling the sheet up from where it has slipped down over his nipples. “I really don't think either of us are going to spiral quite so far. But thanks for, you know, caring.”

“Oh, Blainers,” she says sweetly, cocking her head to one side and giving him a placating look like one would give a clueless two year old. “Believe me, you can't anticipate how low you'll sink. So... Tell Auntie Snix all about it.”

Kurt and Blaine look at each other and back at Santana, who is waiting patiently with her hands clasped in front of her. Blaine speaks up first. “Santana, we already worked through our problems and –”

“And knocked fabulous designer boots.”

“Umm...” Blaine says. Kurt rolls his eyes.

Santana turns to Blaine. “So tell me, Mr. Rogers – are you over the fact that Scarlett O'Hara here traded steaming hot sexts with another gay?”

“Oh my God, they were not sexts!”

Blaine looks nervously between Kurt's glare and Santana's pursed lips. “Well, no. I mean, not entirely yet, but we've talked about it and he understands why it hurt me and we're going to be fine.”

“Uh huh,” Santana says. She quirks one eyebrow and turns to Kurt. “And what about you, Guinevere?”

“Would you stop! I'm not an adulterer. Or a woman.”

She carries on as if he hadn't spoken. “How are you feeling about the fact that – present evidence excluded – Blainers has been freezing you to the outer ridges of Friendzonia and refusing to be the vessel into which you thrust your immense pixie stick?”

“Your crass explanation aside – we have spoken about it and now that I know his reasons I completely understand and empathize and it is not going to happen anymore. Satisfied? Now, can you kindly pack up your therapist garb and get the hell out of my room?”

“Another job well done then. And since you boys are all bandaged up – move over, Roxie Hart. I needs my gay boys and my spoonin'.”

“Oh my God, you are not spooning with us right now. We just finished –”

“Wetting your rainbow noodle in the infinite valley of Blainers' ass, I know. And so your boners are taken care of. Bravo,” she adds and claps her hands just once. “We're totally cool.” She pushes Kurt further into Blaine's embrace and settles down on top of their sheet. With a serene smile on her face she reaches back and pats them both on the hip, her eyes focusing in on something small and blue on the pillowcase. And something yellow next to it. And something orange. “Why the hell are there jelly beans all over the bed?”

“Because we were eating jelly beans?” Kurt says sarcastically.

“Oh really? Jelly beans as an aphrodisiac? I don't buy it. You two and your dirty little sex games.”

“It wasn't –”

“Kurt may have sucked one out of my navel, but we really did just eat them otherwise.”

“Blaine! Don't tell her things! We've talked about this.” Blaine shrugs and widens his eyes – a silent well, she was assuming worse.

“You know, you really shouldn't shove things up there. You'll never find them again.”

Kurt throws a hand over his eyes. “Oh my God. I cannot deal with this right now.”

But Blaine is laughing. Santana turns her head and grins at him, popping the orange jelly bean into her mouth. “Alright, alright, Drama Queen. Imma go order some pizza. I gots me a hankerin' for meat all of a sudden.”

“Oh Jesus,” Kurt groans from under his arm. Blaine laughs into the back of his neck.

“You boys get cleaned up and we can have a slumber party.” She's quiet for a second and when she speaks again it's in a gentle sort of voice. “How many more chances are we gonna get, right?”

Kurt removes his arm finally and looks up at her. He nods and her face breaks out in a grin. “All meat it is!” she crows. She bends down over Kurt and gives him a loud smack on the ass. “Cause I knows you boys loves your meat!”

Kurt squawks and tries to fight her off as she and Blaine laugh. She crawls over the pair of them, exposing their bits and pieces as her knees and elbows tug on the sheet. Once off the bed, she dances over to the door, stopping as she reaches it. “I'm really glad you're okay,” she says over her shoulder. “Mama was worried.” And she slips out of the room without seeing the matching smiles on Kurt and Blaine's faces.

kacibowenkacibowen on April 26th, 2012 04:19 pm (UTC)
I have been waiting for a reaction fic from you! So glad it is here now! I expected one after Big Brother given Santana's face during the duet. I'm still silently wishing for that. :-)

Seriously though I love that she came to check on them and I have now integrated this into my head cannon because this episode broke my heart and I really need this to make it okay again!
curtsladecurtslade on April 26th, 2012 06:11 pm (UTC)
That was adorable, I <3 Auntie Snix. :-)
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Manatree: Handprint On My Heartmanatree on April 26th, 2012 09:34 pm (UTC)
Aw! I love when Santana allows her heart to shine through her sarcasm!
inspiration90inspiration90 on April 26th, 2012 09:44 pm (UTC)
It's so good to read another fic in this verse, I just love them !

Aww Mama snix was worried, well she wasn't the only one.
That episode HURT ! just thinking back to some of the scene, gosh, it truly breaks my heart. I hope that they'll keep talking
'we've always been completely honnest with each other', remember that rule boys and you sould both be fine:)
thejadesabre923: coffeethejadesabre923 on April 26th, 2012 10:01 pm (UTC)
Awww! Auntie Snix, we have just found your future career - sex/relationship therapist...Lima Heights style of course
vanessawolfie: love-heartsvanessawolfie on April 26th, 2012 11:47 pm (UTC)
This is hilarious and great! LOVED IT.
whiterose0328whiterose0328 on April 27th, 2012 04:48 am (UTC)
I'm so glad you wrote something from this episode. After watching that episode it left me feeling jittery and this calmed everything down.

This made everything better.
selaneenselaneen on April 27th, 2012 09:56 am (UTC)
Aww Mama Snix makes it all better. Also offers sound advice about jellybeans!